Not science

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Northeastern American Urban Cactus. Now "cactus" may not be the most scientifically accurate nomenclature to describe this strange phenomenon, but it is the most concise.

In several northeastern metropolises, I have observed these strange deciduous trees that appear to have grown strange bunches of spikes from wounds, giving them a cactus-like appearance.

The NAUC is not actually a new species of tree, but a new stage of treedom. Two theories currently explain why this could be occurring.

First, it is possible that this is actually the product of another, more disturbing, cultural phenomenon of ceremonial tree mutilation. NAUCism could only result from ceremonial mutilation. If these theoretical attacks on trees were random, the only way such a concentrated explosion of spikes could appear on one tree is if it were happening to thousands of trees. The mere fact that this is only happening to a select few trees suggests concentrated, premeditated, sustained attacks on a single tree.

Who would do such a thing? One might surmise the rite would symbolize a person's distaste to the natural world or a more pagan attack on woodland spirits unwelcome in urban areas, but it is not my place to defend any such theories.

It is also possible that these spikes are actually another organism growing up through the core of the tree and expanding in all directions until it rips apart the tree and consumes it.

We may never know what causes this strange reaction in so few trees, whether it be humans, other organisms, radiation, metamorphosis, magic, quantum mechanics, or anything else we scientists only pretend to understand, but gosh darn it we're going to try.